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In 2004, a letter was published in an American TV magazine. It was a Christmas letter from Homer addressed to all the fans, and this is what it said (written down by Paul).
The magic of the season has touched us all.
First I’d like to apologize for last year’s Christmas letter. I don’t want you to do anything with a candy cane... But eat it! Heh, heh. Seriously, I’m Sorry. I was very drunk... But only because and evil elf tricked me into drinking a beer! Then he tricked me 10 more times that night, which is evidence that this elf was really, really convincing and not evidence I have a drinking problem! Because I definitely
This has been an eventful year for me in that ways. First, I learned how to write a topic sentence (see previous paragraph). I’m still working at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant as a safety inspector, heh, heh. My friends, Lenny, Carl and I have been talking about starting a journey cover band and quitting our jobs. None of us knows how to play instruments, but Carl’s cousin used to manage a nightclub in the 70s, so he can probably set us up. Rock on!
Marge is doing well and says hello to all. She has taken up and dropped eight hobbies this year, which is a personal record for her. She is still very active in the PTA, even though she had a nasty fight with another mom over whether the school bake sale should allow homemade pudding cups, which are technically not baked. Eventually, they reached a compromise: The pudding cups were allowed, but with a lengthy disclaimer. And then I ate all the pudding cups.
Lisa the apple of her Daddy’s eye has had another great year. Math Champion, computer whiz, she is teaching her daddy to read books with chapters! And do I hear future wedding bells? A little guy named Milhouse has been spending a lot of time around Lisa lately. Ow! Lisa stop kicking me! What? [Hi everyone, this is Lisa. Milhouse is just a friend! A weird friend, who doesn’t wash his retainer enough and has a fairly infamous bed-wetting problem. You know what? He isn’t even a friend! Anyway, Happy Holidays!] Sorry about that. Now where was I? Oh right: Lisa Loves Milhouse and someday they’ll have lots of babies. Now onto Bart.
What can I say? I’m strangling with one hand while writing this (he was trying to light my foot on fire) The school headshrinker says Bart has attention problems. I told Bart if he doesn’t straighten out he’ll have belt-on-butt problems. The headshrinker did not think this was funny. He also didn’t like being called a “headshrinker.” Bart really wants an Xbox for Christmas, but those are pretty expensive. So I’m gonna build him one from old appliances. And if I don’t, he present will be a lesson in disappointment.
Also Grampa is dead. Just kidding, Grampa!!! Seriously, though Grampa, he’s not a well man.
So that’s our year, more or less we’re all very glad to have each other and a roof over our head with a small acceptable number of holes in it. We wish our family the best and apologize for any presents and greeting cards you didn’t receive this year. Ummm, we lost all the addresses! Yeah, that’s it! And if your wondering how this letter got to you if we lost all the addresses…um…It was the magic of Christmas!
See You Next Year!
Homer J Simpson